Kings in the Back Row

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View from Coconuts in Cozumel

2011-02-05T09:50:00.001-08:00

IMG_0082.JPG, originally uploaded by 2Rocks.

Missing Mexico

2010-12-06T07:32:00.001-08:00

Lucas watching yo gabba gabba

In An Alternate Universe

2010-10-23T20:58:00.000-07:00

After the Giants beat the Braves, my mother was very emotional. She said she cried for fifteen minutes because she wished my brother could see this year's Giants. Today as I drove through the gray weather picking up lunch in San Ramon, I imagined the alternate universe that I often do, the one where my brother never got cancer, and never left this world.

In this alternate universe, we were getting ready to go watch the game at his old house in Concord. He is wearing a Giants hat and hoodie, cuddled up in his old chair next to the window. His two daughters are cuddled up in Lincecum jerseys on his lap and they are watching the pre-game show. He knew baseball inside-out, a passion I see in his daughters as well. Fall was always his favorite season, and what better would it be with the Giants still playing in October.

Instead, my husband and I have watched and listened and covered our eyes and curled up in fetal position, and celebrated in our own living room with our baby upstairs asleep. This year, we watched them play as a team I have never seen before...they played like young boys that were truly chasing dreams and would play if they weren't getting paid.

I always loved baseball for the great metaphor of life that it is. That you can train, and prepare, and invest, and light candles, but life is still so much out of your control, and an impossible number of circumstances lead up to one's destiny. My brother had done everything he could to stack himself up against those circumstances and there was nothing that could have prepared him for his outcome. I know we are not in that alternate universe, but I know my brother is here in spirit, celebrating this outcome for "our boys." Maybe I'll go visit his brick tomorrow at AT&T Park.

Miss you, Brother. Humm Baby.

Adulthood Ain't No Joke

2010-09-07T17:56:00.001-07:00

I woke up last night,
this poem pushing its way out of the softness
of my belly.
I was trying to get back to that room
in that city,
that cold bedroom
with wood floors,
and rain on the window
that faced a city street.
Trying to get back to
that too big house
with rented rooms
where my bed was small,
and life was long,
and you were so close,
and I was trying to make rent,
trying to make something
out of myself.
In a sweat,
I reached for you across our too big bed
and held you close
trying to get back there
to that room
trying to get back to
before
when there were moments
to catch one's breath
when there was room for boredom.
Not forever, but for a moment,
I wanted to get back there.

I have been waiting to want to write a poem for a long time. Nothing has really inspired me in the way that would make poems pour out of me in the past. I've also guarded a lot of myself when it came to writing which stems from an emotionally abusive relationship that especially affected my belief in my writing. It's something that needed to be said, and it is what it is. I will work with it, and I'm just grateful that I have something to work with. Last night, in the midst of being completely overwhelmed by my more-demanding-than-ever-new job, the death of my sixteen year old cat, Lucas getting sick and getting better, and losing my wallet and everything in it including lots of things one shouldn't carry, this poem jumped out of me last night. It's an admission, a confession, that sometimes, I miss being young and stupid and not tied to a mortgage, a career and a baby. To be clear, I don't mean that I would trade my life now for my life then and change what I have now, I would just like to go back and enjoy it a little more. I didn't know how easy I had it!

2010-08-26T06:54:00.001-07:00

FW: Lucas and his Kawasaki

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Bad to the Bone

2010-07-11T12:12:00.000-07:00

As per Soluna's request, here is another video of Lucas doing "stunts!"

First Family Torchlight Parade

2010-07-10T21:05:00.001-07:00

IMG_1426, originally uploaded by 2Rocks.

Daddy's Smile

2010-07-10T21:04:00.001-07:00

IMG_1450, originally uploaded by 2Rocks.

Tri-Valley Best Baby Friends Forever

2010-06-19T17:28:00.001-07:00

A Spontaneous Trip into the Water at Sycamore Valley

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16 Year Old Kitty Kitty

2010-06-06T22:58:00.000-07:00

Mommy: Happy 16th Birthmonth WB! WB: Yeah, whatever. That thing is walking now and ruining my life.

Endings and Beginnings

2010-05-19T22:13:00.000-07:00

AP Exam Prompt: 1996. The British novelist Fay Weldon offers this observation about happy endings. "The writers, I do believe, who get the best and most lasting response from their readers are the writers who offer a happy ending through moral development. By a happy ending, I do not mean mere fortunate events -- a marriage or a last minute rescue from death -- but some kind of spiritual reassessment or moral reconciliation, even with the self, even at death." Choose a novel or play that has the kind of ending Weldon describes. In a well-written essay, identify the "spiritual reassessment or moral reconciliation" evident in the ending and explain its significance in the work as a whole.

I wrote my essay on Hamlet. Everyone dies at the end of Hamlet. I passed.

Next week I'll be teaching a sample lesson to an AP class that has already taken the test and is probably counting the days until graduation. As I sat in the waiting area of the administration office for my interview today, a stream of seniors lined up to pick up their caps and gowns.

It began to rain, and the saturated asphalt brought me back to the smell of the playground at my elementary school.

At once I felt the urgency and frivolity of a past, present and an uncertain future.

9 Month Post

2010-05-03T20:45:00.001-07:00

I guess it's been a helluva while since I last posted. Half the trimester has gone by, and balancing being a mom of an infant and being a full time high school teacher has been a challenge to say the least. What I am about to tell you is not for pity or because I feel like I'm the only one in the world who does this, but to just express my frustrations with the lack of 8 days in a week or more hours in the day.

I get up at 4 am and pray I can get myself ready, get his food and bottles ready, make lunches for my husband and myself, and pump and/or grade before the baby wakes up. When he wakes up, I nurse him, change his diaper and play with him as long as I can before I have to go to work, that is, if he wakes up after I get everything else done. I take a deep breath, say goodbye and see you later, hang around probably longer than I should, and then I get to work. I try to get to work at 7. I have my prep. I teach four periods straight through and then try to rush home at 3 or at least by 4 to spend as much time with him as I can before 6 or 7, which is when we give him a bath and put him to bed by at least 8. Every day that I come home, I've missed something major. Today, he is walking with his walking toy all by himself. He can also place a stacking ring on its stacker. I missed that today.

But I was reading the last few pages of Elie Wiesel's account of the last days of the holocaust, told through the eyes of a teenager with students who are as old as he was when he witnessed it. I was teaching English learners that they can understand and appreciate Shakespeare. I was meeting with a frustrated parent and trying to figure out a plan of action with a homeschool teacher. I was admittedly, drinking more Peet's coffee than I should have been. I was trying to unbury myself from the piles of paper in my room. I don't think the work required for being a good teacher will ever change. I don't think the work required for being a good mom will ever change. I don't know how people balance it, really.

I spoke with a veteran teacher the other day about how she did it. She said that her breaking point was ending up with her sick son in the emergency room after plowing through her millions of obligations at school and getting to her son's sickness when she could get to it. She said she'd never get her priorities that screwed up again. People tell me that when they get older, it seems, right around when the child can start talking, that I'll want a break or that it will feel better to go back to work.

I love my job. I love my baby. I need my job to support my baby. But I definitely miss those long moments of clarity when I knew that all I had to do was be there for him, and I was doing the right thing. Back to doubt. Back to uncertainty.

I am not sure if I have a job in the fall, and should find out in the next two weeks. If I don't, I'm not sure at this point what to do. Right now, I'm just trying to strike a balance. I'll take a note from Lucas and put one foot forward and run when I have to, and slow down when I can.

Baby Must Haves

2010-02-24T22:18:00.000-08:00

I convinced myself that Lucas needed the above toy. I sent away for it on Amazon. I paid probably close to $17 for it. Turns out he didn't need it. We referred to this toy affectionately as "Boobie Man." Unfortunately, I lie awake at night now imagining where Boobie Man was chucked out of Lucas' carseat. Is he lying in the grass in Golden Gate Park? Has he become a chew toy for a lovely French Bulldog? Is he sitting in the bottom of the bin at The Cal Academy, and if so, why haven't they called me after I have left them thirteen messages? I am exaggerating. A bit. But still, I am sort of wanting to put a moratorium on toys and baby things. Lucas' toys are occupying a good portion of the living room, and it's not so much that I don't want him sucking on questionably BPA-free plastic, buying into commercialism and consumerism, or babysitting himself with said plastics--I don't want any of those things either--it's just that I know he doesn't need all those things to be a happy baby. He can play with the simplest things or be entertained exploring, listening and interacting.

Having said all this, there are ten baby things that I either find very useful or are just so nice to have I think they are worth mentioning.

1. Boon Squirt Spoons. He can't grab them while I'm trying to feed him, and I can put his frozen homemade foods in there and they thaw while we're out and make feeding him on the go very easy.
2. Baby Carriers. My favorites have been the Moby, then the Balboa adjustable ring sling, and the Ergo.
3. Fisher Price Space Saver High Chair. It does all the things its name says.
4. Kiddopotamus SwaddleMe blankets. OMG. They are incredible at calming him and guess what, he is suddenly sleeping through the night two weeks before I go back to work. Amazing.
5. Pacifier clips. I use these more for his toys while we are eating in restaurants since he is over his two week acceptance of pacifiers.
6. Summer Infant video monitor. We have a two story house and this really gives us some peace of mind, as well as gives us a better idea of fussing versus distress crying.
7. Medela Pump 'N Style. I don't know if there is a more efficient way of pumping, but I find its adjustable speeds and strengths pretty amazing.
8. Bumkins bibs. Super absorbent, and I love the organic cotton.
9. Infant Car Seat with base that attaches to stroller. Helps him sleep through transitions without having to be taken out all the time.
10. Magic Bullet. I make all his baby food with this, but I hear you can just screw Mason jars on blenders for the same, if not better effect

I'd like to add some pictures of the products, but I have to get ready for my last nonwalker playdate I'm hosting tomorrow. In summer, all the babies we've gotten to know will be walking for sure. Oh yeah, I'm going back to work. A post recapping the last seven month in a love letter to Lucas is coming up. Soon, I will be posting about my big life change, and may have to put my blog on lock. My handful of readers, let me know if you want a password.

6 Months

2010-02-05T07:21:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was Lucas's 6 month birthday. I can't believe how much and how quickly he has changed. This week he had a nasty cold, the one I had been dreading since I knew I was pregnant. I am a WIMP and clueless when it comes to caring for the sick (mind you I come from a family of two take-charge nurses and one take-charge doctor) . I once fainted in my brother's hospital room, where I woke up to him leaning over the bed and cheering me on as I came to on the floor, my poor sister-in- law holding up my legs with my jeans unzipped and my mom and sister giving me his oxygen mask. I remember trying to give him his medicine once and feeling the beads, no bullets, of sweat forming and dripping down my forehead. I was fired from the job going forward. He could smell my fear.

So my poor sniffling, sneezing, stuffyheaded, coughing, diarrhea having, vomiting, solids protesting, staring off into space little baby boy (I'm sure there are grammar errors there, feel free to correct) brought me back to that moment of realization I had during my labor:

"There's no running away. Focus. Do it."

Yesterday I repeatedly caught vomit in my hands, in my hair, in my clothes and then held him tight, and said, "It's okay," hoping he wouldn't pick up on the little bit of doubt in my voice. He's tremendously better, I must say. And even though it it may sound bad, this little boy was still playing, chuckling and "smizing (Tyra term for "smiling with one's eyes)" like crazy through it all.

Every day he teaches me that I can do more and be better than I think.

These Times They Are A-Changin'

2010-01-26T20:29:00.000-08:00

Breathe. Pause. I am trying my hardest to take in all of Lucas that I can while at the same time appreciate that he is getting more independent and that I need to let go a bit so that I can go back to work soon and be okay with it. A lot has changed since my last post, most importantly, the Moby has a little dust on it. A great friend I met through Tri-valley Active Moms on Meetup that has been bringing her adorable daughter to my playdates ripped off the bandaid and put Lucas to sleep in his crib. After that, I realized that we would probably not be this lucky twice, so no going back! Except a little today when he was so overtired he didn't know what to do with himself. I laid down with him a bit, but as we speak, he is...no, I've learned my lesson. I'm not going to say it until it's been at least a month. I can't believe that in the last month, he has decided to like pacifiers, sitting up, bottles, tummy time and apparently now, not sleeping with his mommy. I'm so proud (and missing him at the same time).

First Nonwalkers Playdate

2010-01-01T11:10:00.001-08:00

Abbey, Mason & Lucas, originally uploaded by 2Rocks.

I was really nervous when it was twenty after one and no one had shown up for the nonwalker playdate yet. Since I consider myself to be really shy, it has taken me a long time to try to meet people in the area, but Lucas has been a big motivator. He is pretty social by nature and gets bored of "just Mom" all day long. Just having the other babies around motivated him to stay on his tummy and try to interact with them. The moms were all great and down to earth, and we had a great time! I think I could do this every week. And I get to entertain again. Woohoo!

Ferberizing on the Horizon

2009-12-19T09:26:00.000-08:00

Right now I am, as I have been, for maybe the last three months, rocking back and forth with a baby boy strapped to my chest with the Moby wrap while the White Noise app hisses in the background. I don't know if I created this sleep association, or if it is just what worked for the baby one day, and so I haven't wanted to rock the boat. Sooner than I know it, I will be working again, and things are going to have to change.

I have always had high anxiety around change, especially now that I feel like I have a rhythm and a happy baby. I have read umpteen books about sleep training and I still lack the faith that this is going to work, or that something is not going to get lost between Baby and I. I am a chronic worrier that needs to psych herself up for such a process. I'm imagining myself doing the progressive checks, watching my baby boy screaming his head off and not allowing myself to console him, and I am dreading it to say the least. I tried letting him cry it out when he was three months for about a week and it didn't work. Ferber says it probably didn't work because I did it cold turkey. Our pediatrician says it didn't work because one shouldn't even mention "sleep training" until a baby is at least 4 1/2 months. After the holidays, it's go time. Maybe he will surprise me and it will be easier than I imagine.

We have a unique sleeping problem that most books don't cater to. Bedsharing is tolerable. I wouldn't say it's ideal, but it's okay. I practice baby wearing for naps and for fussy times, which I don't mind at all, except that I am going back to work and don't want care providers to have to wear him all day long when those care providers are going to be our moms. I have gotten a lot of expected criticism from family members and well meaning friends about wearing Lucas in the Moby or in slings, but for the record, I have no problem with it. I think it's good for him and it works for me. Sure, it can be inconvenient, but when have babies been convenient? And we have no problem with strollers (I am not Maggie Gyllenhaal in Away We Go. He goes in them just fine, too. When people say that he is "too attached," they say it as if being "detached" is the right thing for a mother and baby. There will be plenty of times for him to be detached from me when he is a surly emo teenager. And trust me, I teach high school. I am cherishing these days.

I have lost 45 pounds including the 20 pounds I gained during my pregnancy. Husband calls the baby my personal trainer because he is napping four hours a day in the Moby wrap, breastfeeding and basically demanding my full attention 24 hours a day. I've never gotten much deep sleep and now is no exception. I was also strolling him for an hour a day when the weather was better for one of his naps to give my back a rest. I know one thing is for certain, that I am not going to look back and regret spending all this time doing these things with him because when he is rolling his eyes at me and asking to be dropped off a block away from school, I'll have all these memories with him. You only have an infant first child once.

Early Thanksgiving with SoCal Cousins

2009-11-25T08:09:00.000-08:00

Museums for Babies

2009-11-21T13:41:00.000-08:00

Saturday we took the little guy to the San Jose Children's Discovery Museum. It was awesome, and I can't wait to go back. I love that there were so many things in there to keep a four month old or a four year old entertained. Hell, even a 31 year old had a great time. I loved watching him studying the colorful plastic balls in Waterways, becoming mesmerized by the colorful light carousel and cooing at the octopus in the room for crawlers. The car handholding and catching up wasn't bad for us, either. San Jose Children's Discovery Museum

Multimedia message

2009-11-18T16:55:00.000-08:00

Identity

2009-11-13T17:01:00.000-08:00

Before Lucas was born, Angelien made a graph of Lucas' ethnicity. As it turns out, he is 5/8 Filipino, 1/8 Irish, 1/8 English and 1/8 German American (Rockefeller). I am trying to get a better understanding of what it means to be mixed race in America. I had an outsider's understanding that one cannot be 1/2 this or that, as you cannot say this arm is Filipino and this finger is Irish. That one is both or all, and should not have to choose. Outsider's perspectives often influence one's own identity. If people tell a person that he/she looks "white," then does that person feel more white, even if he/she identifies more with a different ethnicity? Rush Limbaugh said that Obama has "a problem with white people," so does that mean that he thinks Obama has a problem with himself? Isn't he as much white as he is black, especially being raised by his white family? Does Obama think of himself only as Black since outsiders' perspectives have dubbed him, "The First Black President?"

I had a friend once who was racing his friend, going 90 in a 45. They both got pulled over. My friend got let off with a warning. His friend got one night in jail. My friend is Guamanian, Hawaiian, and Puerto Rican. His friend was black. When he showed me the warning, the police officer had marked off, "white" under ethnicity. This story has always been an example in my mind of how the way in which one is perceived by others affects how one sees oneself, how one is treated and how one ultimately will choose to identify him/herself.

Ultimately, I want Lucas to know where he came from, that there is a reason he is growing up in this country, that he comes from many beautiful cultures with important traditions, stories and values, and to feel comfortable in his identity he will create someday. And define it himself.

Can the English language please have a non-gendered pronoun for he/she and him/her?

A Grammar Problem

2009-11-04T09:39:00.001-08:00

While it is more grammatically correct to add an 's to Lucas's name to show possession, The AP style guide recommends only to add an apostrophe, as in Lucas'. The Chicago Manual says to add the 's if the name doesn't end in a z sound. Most will say either is interchangeable and acceptable. I lean toward being more grammatically correct, but would hate people to think I am oblivious to grammar conventions. I didn't consider this would be such a problem until I sent an invitation for my son's baptism. My husband thinks it's wrong to add an additional 's. When you pronounce the name of someone whose name ends in s in the possessive form, don't you pronounce the extra s? This is why I don't mind it. S' always looks like a plural to me. I get obsessed about the most meaningless things. See below sling post.

Just for the Sling of It

2009-11-03T15:11:00.000-08:00

Why do I have all these slings? I got some as baby shower gifts and some on Craigslist. Here is my review of each:
HOTSLING: I have almost never gotten my baby to stay in this sling. I hate that I bought this one because it's not adjustable. The people we bought this from on Craigslist said their baby lived in it for four months. I may have gotten the wrong size, but the baby just hates this one. I am holding onto it for either a)when Lucas is big enough to do the hip sit or b)next baby.

MOBY WRAP (brown wrap): I have used this thing almost every day since I figured out how to use it one day after being holed up in my bedroom with the baby for too long. I wanted to be able to use my hands for a while. He LOVES this wrap. The only downsides are that it takes a little while to put it on, if it's not on right you have to start all over, and it's HOT. Sweaty. Smelly. But that's what he loves.

ERGO BABY CARRIER (backpack style): I feel like I can wear this one longer than the Moby, and it's more unisex so my husband doesn't feel weird wearing it. I am looking forward to the baby getting bigger so he can fit in this properly. The infant insert never flew with this baby; it was too hot and a bit awkward. Right now he rides in it with his feet sticking below the belt instead of the sides which he will be able to do soon at the rate he's going. I feel really comfortable with this one and feel like I could BART into the city with him in this with no problems. I like that it can be a back carrier, too.

BALBOA BABY SLING (black and white Geisha): I like that this one is adjustable. Our baby fell asleep with this one at a bbq and loves the cuddle position. He's not quite ready to face out a lot, but sometimes he needs the change of scenery. I definitely love this one over the Hotsling.

MAYA WRAP (rainbow): I have only tried this a few times. I love the colors and the tail and that it's adjustable, but the inks in the fabrics are so "natural" that they stink and I can't wash the smell out. I'm afraid to wash it in the washer like it says because I don't want it to lose the color and I'm afraid the silver rings will mess up my washer and dryer. I'm stuck on this one. I'll get back to you, later. And update your how-to videos, people. This was another Craigslist find, only $15, and seemed to never have been used. I think the baby is getting to a good size and temperament to go in these things a little more easily.

The new carrier I am so curious about is the Babyhawk Mei Tai. It looks like it combines the best of all of these.

Duyan

2009-11-01T12:42:00.000-08:00

So my sister, my husband and I went for a walk yesterday, and when we came back, my auntie and mom had this hanging from the second story of their house. It's called a duyan which is a Filipino baby hammock. Yet another sleeping contraption that Lucas tolerated for all of 20 minutes. It was funny because I remember my grandma rocking the babies in this when we would stay with them in San Jose. She basically had a sheet hanging from the staircase to the fireplace. And it was true, the babies slept for hours and hours. So my aunt left when Lucas was sleeping in the duyan and she said he would be there for "hours and hours." She probably wasn't home yet when he started crying. Oy vey. She called later on in the afternoon and asked if he was still sleeping. Haha.

On Saturday, I tried something else my sister-in-law recommended. Feeding the baby before and after each nap, not just after, like I had been doing. It was so nice. I rocked him and nursed him and he fell asleep, swaddled. I laid him down in his crib and we walked away and watched the baby monitor stay silent. For twenty minutes. Augh. I think we just need to pick one thing and stick with it. I am going to try this again twice a day this week.

Halloween Giggles

2009-11-01T09:02:00.000-08:00

7 lbs

2009-10-28T12:51:00.000-07:00

I've decided to keep a group of pictures of Lucas in his carseat to show how he is growing. Here he is the day we took him home, under 7lbs. He is now at least 15.5 lbs and only 12 weeks.

3 Months

2009-10-18T16:31:00.000-07:00

We have been blessed with a "high need baby." This means he has a long list of dislikes and a short list of likes. Is our high need baby high need because he just is, or is it because he has two softie parents that can't help but cater to this long list of dislikes? I am as we speak, letting him cry it out and torturing myself by having the video monitor right next to my computer. I think he is too young for this, but I have little choice as I have to go back to work, and since he won't go "down" for naps, meaning, I have been carrying/rocking/patting/wearing him for 3 months (I've lost all my baby weight plus 20 lbs), I have to do something because my mother and mother-in-law will be watching him, and I can't expect them to cater to him as much as I do in the way that I do. I want to poke my eyes out!

He's basically not let up. It's been nearly 30 minutes. He is fed, swaddled, dry and safe. I have to keep telling myself he won't remember this later. I have responded quickly to his cries for three months. He must trust that I will be right back because as soon as I did yesterday, he was cooing and smiling and quiet. But he didn't nap. Isn't that the point? I don't know what to do. My family has joked and said they would call Supernanny on me. I'd love to have Supernanny come see this and tell me what to do. It's really going against every instinctual ounce in my body, and I just can't take it, especially when Robert is not here. 15 minutes to go. I am going to poke my eyes out!

If you see lots of pictures of Lucas here sleeping, swaddled and on a pillow on this blog, it's because every time I've been able to get him to lay down like that, it's been a major triumph. Every other time, he's napped in someone's arms, in the Moby wrap, in the car or in the stroller.

I remember watching the Mad About You episode where they let their baby cry it out, and I thought it was just something everyone did. We actually have a choice, and we are trying to do this, but I can't help but feel really alone and like it's a bunch of crap. I know it works for lots of babies, I just don't think it's working for my baby. I can do anything for an amount of time, though. If it doesn't work, I just hope I find something that does. I also wish doctors would give advice to patients that gave them choices instead of a one size fits all approach that doesn't consider the whole picture. Not all medicines work for all babies, why should sleep methods? Ultimately, parents are going to do whatever they choose, but at least present a variety of methods.

OMG, he's sleeping. He stopped. At 30 minutes he stopped. I hope he sleeps a while so all his effort gives him rest. Thanks for IMing me through this, Jeremy!

OMG! He's sleeping on his own!

2009-10-15T10:19:00.000-07:00

Lucas at 10 Weeks Old Hamming it Up

2009-10-14T11:59:00.000-07:00

We took this video yesterday. I sound like a complete idiot, but I don't care! It gets more interesting toward the end, I promise. I'm so in love with my baby boy. He is going to be so much trouble!

Lucas at About 3 Weeks

2009-10-03T18:28:00.000-07:00

Mommy Hair

2009-10-01T18:23:00.000-07:00

I needed to cut my hair. It had been months and months since I cut it. I swore I was going to be a mom with long hair. Then L-Rock showed me what it felt like to pick up a screaming infant, red in the face, tears pouring out while trying to simultaneously console him and remove his Popeye grip from my hair. My MIL watched him while I snuck off to Montgomery Salon in Dublin to see Miranda (RAVE) and have "linner" with my teacher friend from ElCo who now teaches in the Super East Bay, too. Suddenly I realized the baby was not in the backseat, and I opened the sun roof, rolled down the windows and blasted that BEP "Tonight's the Night" song. It was great.

Right now, L-Rock is sleeping! Not in my arms! It's been a whole hour! I am so happy for the little guy. He cries and cries when no one is holding him, but he gets such better quality sleep when he is comfortable and on his own. I have been trying to strike a balance of instinct, experience, observation...I spoke too soon...he woke up...

He Wants Los Panchos, Too

2009-09-28T14:56:00.000-07:00

Saw this sad little doggy at Los Panchos. Robert is very happy that I am liking Mexican food, again. I couldn't eat Mexican or Indian food for most of my pregnancy, but I'm back, people. And I'm hungry.

Smiling for Ute

2009-09-25T17:13:00.000-07:00

When my sisters and I were kids, we used to play with stuffed animals for what I remember to be hours and do funny voices for them. Mainly, my sister Eileen did lots of the voices while my sister Joanna and I laughed so hard our laughs were silent and we rolled around crying and holding our bellies. Instead of saying "auntie" for some reason, we called each other "ute" to the stuffed animals, like "oo-tay." I don't know why. We were kids. Here was a trip Lucas and I took out to Park Shadelands with Ute and Mom.

Lucas and His Sun Hat

2009-09-23T18:22:00.000-07:00

Lucas and His Fist

2009-09-23T18:19:00.000-07:00

When Lucas was born, he had hickies up and down his arms. The nurses laughed and said, "He'll be a good eater." Lucas has never liked a pacifier, but he sure loves to suck and now chew on his hands. My good friend just painted the picture of my future for me today. "Just wait til he's a teenager."
Mom, there's nothing to eat.

But I just went shopping.

But it's all gone.

Happiness

2009-09-21T10:41:00.000-07:00

5 baby carriers, 5 strollers, 5 sleeping contraptions. Nothing makes this baby happy like being held and a boob, which last time I checked, don't cost anything but lots and lots of stamina. Babies don't need stuff. Lesson learned.

Coming Home from Hospital

2009-09-18T19:17:00.000-07:00

First Stroller Ride - 2 Weeks

2009-09-18T19:15:00.000-07:00

Matakot in The Hammock

2009-09-18T19:14:00.000-07:00

Big Yawn

2009-09-18T19:13:00.000-07:00

Looking a little bit like an electric outlet.

Fat on Breastmilk

2009-09-18T12:03:00.000-07:00

Thigh and ankle rolls. Nom nom nom.

Babies Love Contrast

2009-09-17T12:46:00.000-07:00

Lucas and his airplane blanket

Beat LA (somebody, anybody)

2009-09-12T12:19:00.000-07:00

Beat la!

1 1/2 Weeks vs. 4 1/2 Weeks

2009-09-05T18:09:00.000-07:00

4 1/2 Weeks

2009-09-05T18:08:00.000-07:00

1/2 Weeks

Lucas is exclusively breastfed. Here is proof that he is "getting enough milk." He has gained 3 lbs. I have lost 25. Woohoo!

Timebomb

2009-09-03T20:13:00.000-07:00

I've got a timebomb, in my mind, Mom. I've got it badly for a...chunky, little 10 lb guy that has turned my world upside down in the best of ways. Being a first time parent is like being in charge of a little timebomb. You don't know if what you're doing is keeping the peace, or if it's the calm before the storm. At any moment, he can detonate. Will you know how to deal with it? Will you be okay with the aftermath? The good thing is, when he detonates, there is little that can't be solved by breastfeeding. Here is where it gets tricky. My instinct is always to breastfeed. It literally feels wrong to me, for no explicable reason, to put a piece of silicone, rubber, plastic, what have you, in this child's mouth to pacify him. I know it reduces the risk of SIDS, even though there is no proof of how. I still prefer to offer my breast. Even when I know he is going to fall asleep in five seconds and then lightly chew on me, like those baby polar bears in that documentary. On the other hand, Lucas was born with hickies up and down his arms. The kid has a need to suck. I'm not sure if I'd rather him self pacify with his own body parts, my body, or the binky. I wish I had the answer. I have so much to write about, and no time to write it. I can only write this now because DH is taking DS for a walk. I'm supposed to be napping. Tick, tick, boom. When I find the time, I will write. Baby is 1 month old tomorrow. Happy Birthday, Son.

Extranando Mis Sobrinas

2009-09-02T17:46:00.000-07:00

My nieces moved to SoCal the day after Lucas was born. I haven't really realized how much I miss them until now. On our first walk with the baby, we passed by the school that is now open, just 3 blocks from our house. They have a huge field of grass, monkey bars, four square, a map of the US on the blacktop, and swings. I really wish they were here for us to enjoy them. When they lived 30 min away, that would have been something really cool to do with them. Now that they are 6 hours away, 30 min from Disneyland and 5 minutes to the boardwalk at HB, it doesn't seem so cool. I have to catch myself when I drive by the exit to their house on the freeway when I think, I should pick up the girls, or when I think of some cool thing to take them to. I have some great memories with those girls. I really miss them. It makes my heart hurt. And in this month, them being gone has kind of made my brother being gone 5 years on the 24th, that much more sharp of a pain. Here they are on their first day of school this year. I am really happy and excited for them and their new life in SoCal. They have great parents and great family down there. Lots of cousins and aunties and uncles. They are going to have a great time. I will keep their toothbrushes that I wrote their names on on standby. I am holding out for another visit someday.

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2009-08-27T17:03:00.000-07:00

Lucas at three weeks.

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2009-08-21T10:21:00.000-07:00

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2009-08-19T08:41:00.000-07:00

Baby's hair after first bath.

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2009-08-18T14:58:00.000-07:00

FW: IMG00144.jpg

2009-08-14T14:50:00.000-07:00

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2009-08-12T11:55:00.002-07:00

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2009-08-12T11:55:00.001-07:00

OMG! He's sleeping on his own!

2009-08-12T11:55:00.000-07:00

Songs to Be Born To

2009-08-08T12:09:00.000-07:00

It's been five days since my water broke and I began my 18 hour journey toward giving birth to Lucas Daniel Rockefeller. There are so many things I want to say and record. I picked this song for Lucas's labor and delivery soundtrack (I like to make soundtracks to important events in my life) because of its somnabulatory nature. It at first was just a love song to me, but now, especially knowing Rhett Miller is a father, I think it is a love song to his children. This really sums up how literally HIGH I feel when I am holding Lucas. No matter how sleep deprived, hungry, or feeling-hit-by-a-train I am, this is just...it.

Lashes by Rhett Miller>*listen*
On the long long lashes of your look
The one you give that says you love me
You don't even have to say you love me
I was long gone long before that look
But now that it's a part of my life
It's by far the best part of my life
I could live on your love
And nothing else if I had to
On the long thin fingers of the dawn
The ones that we let wrap around us
Now that happiness has found us
I did not have strength to carry on
But I have got strength to spare now
I have come up for air now
I could live on your love
And nothing else if I had to
I could live on your love
And nothing else if I had to
I could live forever
I could conquer anyone
I could probably fly out of this place
I could make a circle around the sun
I could be so far away
That I would be a memory
But every time I hold you in my arms
There's no other place I'd rather be
I could live on your love
And nothing else if I had to
I could live on your love
And nothing else if I had to
And nothing else if I had to

Proud Daddy

2009-08-05T13:57:00.000-07:00

The Morning After The First Night

2009-08-05T08:00:00.000-07:00