YOU Moved=YOUR Fault

I met a woman at a training today who talked about moving from Santa Cruz to Hollister, CA, and how no one in her family will come visit her, but once a year. Even for her birthday, she has to drive at least an hour to see her family. "You moved, so YOU messed everything up, and it's YOUR fault."

My husband and I live in a town, far, far away, where we know, at best, four people (including the lady who works at the Chinese restaurant that delivers, and even SHE probably wouldn't say she knows US). Whenever I am able, I have spent hours upon hours driving an hour to two hours each way to visit my friends. I love them. They are worth visiting. As soon as my summer opened up, my calendar was filled with playdates with those I consider my closest comrades, those who understand my unavailability during the school year and KNOW I will spend time with them in the summer. So when a friend says "it's hard for me to go there," or "we should get together sometime; when do you want to come over?" or "but you live so FAR" I wonder what it is about this situation that they feel is fair? I saw this problem with new eyes today when the woman brought up the issue of "YOU are the one that moved." She was joking, but there is truth to that, I think, at least in the way they think. I still think it's not fair, but maybe that is as far as they are going. We all remember the Friends and the Seinfeld episodes when this issue came up and characters chose their relationships based on location. The other day, a friend of mine brought up people who are somewhat selfish in their friendships who make it easy to be be "phased out" of one's life if the circumstances allow (i.e., few shared mutual friends, job changes, substantial distance). Although it sounds sad to think that friendships, even those that seem the closest at one point in our lives, can be so fleeting, I have to admit that I have even seen relationships separate because of differences in class, where some friends begin to not be able to afford to spend time with friends that live more lavish lifestyles, and resentment can drive wedges between them.

Despite, distance, there are still friends that have flown across the country to see me try on my wedding dress, friends that are down to drive an hour, baby in tow, on the spur of a moment for a Friday night dinner invite, friends that have a burning need to tsismis or tell you about their new beau, or who would be willing to drive you home, even if there was a bridge and it would cost them two hours after a late dinner, if you really needed it, and family that no matter how far apart they live, will make it, at least once a month, for a Sunday night dinner. I was blessed with all of the above this weekend, and it felt great. It made me feel worth the drive. It validated some relationships that didn't really need validating.

My brother once asked me if I thought people moved away on purpose (read: to get away). I now know it has to do with circumstance, and that it must be a two way street. You have to show people that they are worth the phone call, the drive, the email, if you want it to work and last and grow. Otherwise you will "reap what you DID NOT sow" as Mr.Garrett once said. And it's true. He's shown me. Life has shown me. I am so rambling, and I need to get outta here.

Give until it hurts. But then what after? What makes a friend "worth" the effort?