Waiting Game

The other day I showed up over an hour early to an interview. I felt relaxed and prepared, content with not knowing what to expect. I began reading the literature around the office and felt as though I was falling in love with the place. I became giddy. Then I looked at my watch, and there were still, yet only, thirty minutes left until my appointment. I began to play a familiar record of doubt and negative thinking in my head. The butterflies began. I began to feel hot and fidgety. I realized that being so early is not always a good thing.

Today I looked at the www.americanpregnancy.org calendar and clicked on "Developing Baby." I am almost 35 weeks. I have for the most part been relaxed and content, not knowing what to expect. I have been giddy. Today, the panic is starting to get to me. The baby shower is today and we are expecting almost seventy guests. I looked at my belly today and it is so big and round that my skin is shining. The baby is moving consistently and responding to music we are playing for him. Oh, he's in there. And he is coming, ready or not. In five weeks or so, I will finally have him in my arms. It's both only and still five weeks to go. The things I am worried about now are going to take a big back seat. The sleep deprivation I have thought I felt all year will melt away as I try to get three hours of consistent sleep each night. My summer will not be a lonely, teacher-on-summer-vacation-who-lives-in-the-super-east-bay-far-away-from-friends kind of summer. No, loneliness will not be an issue when there is the little one who needs my attention 24 hours a day.

A student asked me several times this year if I was scared. I told her I try not to be scared about things I have no control over. So I will try to quiet myself, breathe, and just take the turns of this wild ride in stride.