Timebomb

I've got a timebomb, in my mind, Mom. I've got it badly for a...chunky, little 10 lb guy that has turned my world upside down in the best of ways. Being a first time parent is like being in charge of a little timebomb. You don't know if what you're doing is keeping the peace, or if it's the calm before the storm. At any moment, he can detonate. Will you know how to deal with it? Will you be okay with the aftermath? The good thing is, when he detonates, there is little that can't be solved by breastfeeding. Here is where it gets tricky. My instinct is always to breastfeed. It literally feels wrong to me, for no explicable reason, to put a piece of silicone, rubber, plastic, what have you, in this child's mouth to pacify him. I know it reduces the risk of SIDS, even though there is no proof of how. I still prefer to offer my breast. Even when I know he is going to fall asleep in five seconds and then lightly chew on me, like those baby polar bears in that documentary. On the other hand, Lucas was born with hickies up and down his arms. The kid has a need to suck. I'm not sure if I'd rather him self pacify with his own body parts, my body, or the binky. I wish I had the answer. I have so much to write about, and no time to write it. I can only write this now because DH is taking DS for a walk. I'm supposed to be napping. Tick, tick, boom. When I find the time, I will write. Baby is 1 month old tomorrow. Happy Birthday, Son.