I guess it's been a helluva while since I last posted. Half the trimester has gone by, and balancing being a mom of an infant and being a full time high school teacher has been a challenge to say the least. What I am about to tell you is not for pity or because I feel like I'm the only one in the world who does this, but to just express my frustrations with the lack of 8 days in a week or more hours in the day.
I get up at 4 am and pray I can get myself ready, get his food and bottles ready, make lunches for my husband and myself, and pump and/or grade before the baby wakes up. When he wakes up, I nurse him, change his diaper and play with him as long as I can before I have to go to work, that is, if he wakes up after I get everything else done. I take a deep breath, say goodbye and see you later, hang around probably longer than I should, and then I get to work. I try to get to work at 7. I have my prep. I teach four periods straight through and then try to rush home at 3 or at least by 4 to spend as much time with him as I can before 6 or 7, which is when we give him a bath and put him to bed by at least 8. Every day that I come home, I've missed something major. Today, he is walking with his walking toy all by himself. He can also place a stacking ring on its stacker. I missed that today.
But I was reading the last few pages of Elie Wiesel's account of the last days of the holocaust, told through the eyes of a teenager with students who are as old as he was when he witnessed it. I was teaching English learners that they can understand and appreciate Shakespeare. I was meeting with a frustrated parent and trying to figure out a plan of action with a homeschool teacher. I was admittedly, drinking more Peet's coffee than I should have been. I was trying to unbury myself from the piles of paper in my room. I don't think the work required for being a good teacher will ever change. I don't think the work required for being a good mom will ever change. I don't know how people balance it, really.
I spoke with a veteran teacher the other day about how she did it. She said that her breaking point was ending up with her sick son in the emergency room after plowing through her millions of obligations at school and getting to her son's sickness when she could get to it. She said she'd never get her priorities that screwed up again. People tell me that when they get older, it seems, right around when the child can start talking, that I'll want a break or that it will feel better to go back to work.
I love my job. I love my baby. I need my job to support my baby. But I definitely miss those long moments of clarity when I knew that all I had to do was be there for him, and I was doing the right thing. Back to doubt. Back to uncertainty.
I am not sure if I have a job in the fall, and should find out in the next two weeks. If I don't, I'm not sure at this point what to do. Right now, I'm just trying to strike a balance. I'll take a note from Lucas and put one foot forward and run when I have to, and slow down when I can.
4 comments:
I loved this post and it almost made me cry (not a good thing when I'm reading it in a cubicle). I'm right there with you, although my jobs aren't as demanding as yours. And I certainly don't get up at 4am. Although most weeknights I don't get home until 9pm, so I guess it all evens out, huh? I have days when I'm super strong and being gone all day is no problem. And I have days when I want to quit both my jobs and be home with Graham. One thing I've learned is that getting enough sleep makes a huge difference. If you're getting up that early, make sure you're going to bed ridiculously early! It helps. Seriously.
Through the both of you I'm learning so much about being a mom, what the challenges are and what your emotions are like. No, it's not making me want to be a mom which I'm sure you're both thinking, but it is making me understand your struggles more which I hope will make me a better person in the end. Thanks both of you for blogging so openly and honestly, I love reading both of your blogs!
You sound like a great Mom, Lisa, and I know you're a great teacher. I can't in any way advise you on balancing those two things, but I really hope things work out for you next year. Sounds like all your kids are lucky to have you.
Soluna is requesting another Lucas video. =D Please post a new one soon. She loves the "crash" parts of this video and is impressed that he does his own stunts. So an action movie would be great... Take care, we miss y'all!
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